I see two separate but interdependent issues here. You are asking how to forgive your mother. And you are commenting that she is hurting you repeatedly and doesn’t think it is wrong?
Let’s address the hurting you repeatedly aspect. Your question doesn’t indicate whether this behaviour of your mother’s towards you is currently happening or if it was sometime in the past. There is a difference. You can’t change the past but you can influence and change your present and your future as it unfolds.
Jumping ahead a bit, if your mother was hurting you in the past, then it is possible to forgive her. If she is hurting you in the present, it is not likely that you will be able to forgive her now. You will need to have some closure and/or discontinuation of her hurting behaviour before you can start the forgiveness process.
Your question doesn’t indicate your age, nor that of your mother’s. There are unlimited interpersonal dynamics that could be going on between you and your mother. Not knowing you or your mother, it would be unrealistic of me to provide you with specific advice on what to do.
At a basic level, you need to get the message across to your mother that hurting you is unacceptable. Your mother is not likely to stop until she fully understands how it affects you. I would highly recommend that you research the topic of assertiveness training. The idea is that you want to work towards a win-win resolution, where you can rebuild or start over the relationship with your mother.
Despite the platitudes offered that your mother is always your mother and will always have your back, many mothers are not in the least bit motherly. Your question doesn’t say whether your mother has a mental illness, or is just a nasty person. Conversely, your mother may very well believe that by hurting you continuously, she is doing it for your own good. There are far too many people out there that believe in hitting their children ‘for their own good’ or citing religious beliefs.
There is an expression in mental health that goes “all behaviour has meaning.” I’m left wondering why your mother hurts you. Perhaps that was the way she was brought up and it is the only way that she knows how to parent.
Now as the forgiveness aspect. If your mother’s behaviour is in the past, or if you have been able to have an intervention and stop her undesirable, hurtful behavior, then forgiveness is possible.
Forgiveness is for you. It allows you to move on with your life. It doesn’t mean that you forget what the other person has done to you, it just means that you take any power away from them that they have over you. This is why there has to be closure in place.
Forgiveness provides peace of mind. I know as I have done so on several occasions. One, was with my father. Unfortunately, I had to do it after he had passed away. We never had the conversation that we should have i.e. adult to adult. Another time was where I forgave a very nasty, evil supervisor who was very much a bully. I had to forgive her to move on with my life. I did and have.
I hope you give some consideration to what I have provided here.
Thanks for your question and good luck with our task.
For further discussion of personal development tips, visit the Live For Excellence Book Store for the following publications:
Assert Yourself! Harnessing the Power of Assertiveness in Your Career
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Working With Words: Adding Life to Your Oral Presentations
Rae A. Stonehouse is an author, speaker, and self-publishing consultant dedicated to helping others embrace constant improvement and overcome challenges. With over 40 years of experience as a Registered Nurse in psychiatry and mental health, Rae brings a wealth of knowledge and passion for self-development to his writing and presentations.
As a 25+ year member of Toastmasters International, Rae has systematically built his communication abilities and self-confidence to share his insights as an author and speaker. His self-help books and personal development presentations aim to have conversational one-on-one connections with readers and audiences.
Rae is known for his wry sense of humor and sage advice delivered in a relatable coaching style. After four decades as a nurse, Rae has rewired rather than retired, actively writing and pursuing public speaking. He strives to share lessons learned to help others achieve personal and professional growth.